Humility, Balance

It is interesting how the virtues we deride can so easily become insidiously engrained within our own being, and how blind we can be to their influence upon us...

Recently, I have observed an obsession with appearance. I justify it through multiple means, such as striving for functionality, or just an arrogant sense of superiority that I am opposed to traditional stereotypes of appearance. I can perceive in my mind, however, the tendency to seek validation through an appearance, through phrases such as "If only I were this much more fit" or some such thing, or to look at my physique and compare it to some ideal of mine, which is not even a defined one.

I believe I can appreciate appearance, that it is an aesthetically desirable element, but any obsession is unhealthy, and particularly this one. Thus, I am aspiring to recognize each moment where I look to validate my existence or eliminate existential distress through manipulating my appearance. Even in writing this, I struggle to avoid providing a particular image of myself that I feel is not what I am actually attempting to communicate. Not that I believe there is anything inherently wrong with attempting to avoid portraying a false image of myself, but it is important to observe, I believe, this phenomenon.

There is background to this neurosis, of course. There is some internal and persistent fear of being undeserving of existence. I have been aware of it for a while, but have not been able to confront it directly. I have instead sought to validate my existence through unrestrained personal growth: learning multiple languages, training multiple hours a day, mathematics, science, philosophy, meditation, music, etc...

Upon injuring myself recently, however, in a multitude of ways (right ball of foot swollen, right arch of foot punctured, left leg soaked in blood and now has a hole in it, right wrist sprained, right index finger sprained, lower back sprained), I have had no choice but to slow my pace...

I have realized the importance of balance. If I strive for greatness, then the more I strive, the more I will need to balance with introspection and rest. I have rediscovered simple pleasures, silence, and just sitting back and watching life as it happens. Not meditation, not reflection, just... observation...

Back in Miami - Part 1

My own anger and unhappiness leads me to lash out. As I wallow, an ant approaches. Without thinking, I kick it, refraining barely at the last moment. Too late. I try to set him on his feet, but one leg is broken. And now he limps.

What have I done?

I have let my quest for... superiority? whatever it is, I have let it become a fuel for a misery that I inflict upon an unwitting sentient ant. How long befores this consumes me further?

It is pervasive today, anger, arrogance, judgment. How do I release it? Or do I catalyze it, use it as fuel for the creative process? It is in creation that I find my liberation, perhaps?

But not solely, either. I also require interaction with others, and homeostatic disuption, a stress-induced growth, on more than the physiological level. I require it emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, philosophically... grammatically.