I have felt close to my students all summer, but today I found myself experiencing overwhelming emotion... Several times throughout the day, I felt strong urges to laugh, cry, dance, hug my students, or just tell them that they are amazing.

Perhaps it was the moment I saw a student win the Spirit Torch, a prized object of status given on basis of merit of academic achievement, personal growth, and a sense of community. The torch clearly meant a great deal to this girl.

Or perhaps it was when the entire room, including generally unenthusiastic students, sincerely chanted "We are proud of you, yes we are proud of you!" I cannot convey the impression I took, but that is perhaps the first moment that I felt strongly reassured that this program contributed to the growth and actualization of these students.

Perhaps I felt strongly when a group of students did the hora as 100 students clapped to the rhythm of Nagila Hava.

Perhaps it happened when individual students discussed openly amongst each other how they felt about being called names, or their insecurities, or the look in a student's eyes, a student who called himself a jit, that I don't care how short he is, he is not a jit, and I will never think of him as a jit. It was not a relieved or relaxed expression that his eyes maintained, but a contemplative, reflective, and mature look.

Perhaps when a student leans against me for comfort, or asks for help with homework, or tells me that Breakthrough is a great experience for them, I feel a swelling in my chest that I have yet to define with anything other tears.

Several times throughout the summer I have doubted the efficacy of this program. I have had my questions. But as the end of the summer approaches, those doubts have been erased, those fears assuaged, and my questions answered. This program is the best thing I could have possibly done with my summer.

Of push-ups and heroin

My disagreement with the usage of drug use is not due to addictiveness. I believe that drugs are not an effective tool for achieving happiness or fulfillment.

People often compare exercise and work to addiction, wrapping themselves up in "values" (a problem for another time).

Exercise is addictive. but I argue that unlike drugs, it is fulfilliing. And in the pursuit of fulfillment, exercise is indispensible.

Obviously, different motives can cause a person to exercise. If a person uses exercise to fulfill meaningless, petty, or unhealthy needs, then they are feeding an entirely different beast.

It is impossible at this point to ignore the matter of work and over-work. At what point does work cross the line into the realm of counter-productive?

First, we must define counter-productive; often, this term is considered in the short-sighted manner of the immediate work at hand. Counter-productive work goes directly against the desired out6come (which itself is rarely absolute). Existence has no inherent goal, or at least this is my opinion (although perhaps not my belief), and so we must take it upon ourselves to create or discover (certainly both, a way of resolving the previously mentioned conflict of opinion and belief) our own goals.

If the goal is fulfillment, and fulfillment is a sustainable health, contribution to society, challenging existence, exploration, sharing, creating, and expressing UNIQUE HUMAN ELEMENTS, then working is counter-productive when it limits the ability of the sentient being (in the long run or immediate moment, I still do not know which is of greater significance) from being fulfilled, in the manner that fulfillment has just been defined.

Laundry Bar induced thoughts

I had gone out for the first time in a while to a drum and bass party at Laundry Bar Friday evening. It was rather intense. At some point in the evening, a thought struck me, and it carried me away. I felt compelled to write it down, so here it is:

Discipline is rarely a beautiful process. It is only beautiful when it is smooth. And when it is smooth, perhaps that is after all the real work has been done. When your discipline is smooth, then you pursue for the mere sake of the love of your art.

After having written the thought, the feeling it had elucidated escaped my grasp. This often happens, when I jot down the ideas that create some soulful resonance within me. But I quickly came to decide that this was not significant. I returned myself to the present moment, and found that sufficient.

In retrospect, I think the element of discipline is quite rich for exploration and abstraction. I had this conception of discipline as something clean and smooth and pure, but that is only the fruit of the labor. Discipline is messy business. And the messier it is, the more I want to be involved.

Ideas coalesce

Ideas coalesce,
Energy that I aspire to invest,
By efforts, of perspiration, preceded by focus
Sudden elation, This is no hocus-pocus,
Just the return, to the center of the locus
In position of the diamond lotus,
Back erect, free from dogmatic sect,
Pursuant as an individual in the midst,
Clearly differentiated particles dancing in orbit.

Projects - I am a little too busy to continue with my 40 day project. But I am still developing my projects: Evolutionary Movements, Meditation, Music, Blogging, and Creative exercises. I am also trying deepening my study of Mathematics, Neurology, Consciousness, and Religious exploration.