Reflections: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

1. I create lists, hierarchies for personal growth, commitments... I systematically break down existence into what I believe I need for that growth, for a good life, but the more bullet points I add, the more I need, until I've suddenly realized how far away from the truth I have strayed, and so I add yet another bullet point to bring me back. At this juncture, I wonder if the paragraph is not a more appropriate tool than bullet-point methodology.

I propose that so long as I use a bullet-point scientific method to choke my weaknesses, to systematically develop myself, I will fail. Not because they are not necessary, but the balance is wrong, there is insufficient actual striving, too little time spent away from the glow of technology...

2. If axioms of geometry (and further, any "laws" of science) are understood to be neither true nor false, but advantageous, this does not suggest that all theories fall into such a category (ie advantageous). In order to be able to solve a problem, the axiom must be "able." Much like a movement in parkour, used to solve a "problem," there may be no "better" movement," only a more advantageous movement dependent on the context of purpose (e.g. flight, flash, freedom, grace, elegance, etc)

Contentions with Psychology as a Discipline

It is a worthy and necessary task, to better understand my own discomfort with "psychology." This will point towards a clarification of psychology and differentiate it from the psychology of the masses. When I can reflect and contemplate, the dynamic processes of mind, culture, development, growth, and existential meaning can be more accurately intuited.

I've given up for long enough, I've had my rest. Fervid, I can return to my determination, to apply my mind to the questions of life, which are desecrated by "psychology" and it's gross simplification of existence.

This is my frustration with psychology, as elucidated by Phaedrus:
"he could think of possible way he could tell them what they should work toward without falling back on didactic teaching. But how can you put on the blackboard the mysterious internal goal of each creative person?"

Indoctrinating children with the social norms of our society may be an adequate lifestyle for the "psychologists" with which I work, but it is neither adequate for me nor deserving of the term "psychology." Psychology is an exploration of the intimate questions of the mind, it is critical and profound. It is not rote repetition. Perhaps it is satisfying for these others, but my own needs for understanding are greater.

The most pressing question perhaps: How to elicit the best in and empower others, socially, psychologically, physiologically... Rather than judging them by perceived weaknesses.

re: Consciousness (The Monk and the Philosopher)

Is it possible, perhaps, that the emergence of a "consciousness" that can override the emotional drives by means of ration and thought (and applying these to the more dominant, primal, and base force of emotion) is the fruit of evolutionary process? I wonder if it is perhaps an adaptive mechanism that allows the organism to more efficiently manipulate the environment as well as the self.

How does consciousness promote the evolution of the organism? Through creativity and rationality and society. It grants the organism the ability to suppress desires when those desires may inhibit the organism. Consciousness is the breeding ground for rationality. Without consciousness, there can be no evaluation nor judgement in abstracted terms of variables. Things can only be defined as good or bad given the evaluation of their immediate impact on the immediate sense of emotion.

I believe this perspective is able to reconcile a significant debate within the scientific community regarding the nature of consciousness, specifically the question of its existence as anything more than an epiphenomenon. Reductionists have claimed that consciousness cannot be more than epiphenomenon. I believe that the above argument provides substantial basis for believing not only that consciousness exists, but also that it has

How has consciousness come about? Perhaps the various neurological underpinnings which give rise to consciousness have been selected for by the evolutionary process as any other inherited trait. Perhaps consciousness lends a significant evolutionary advantage to its alternative.

Furthermore, it is important to understand the primary force of consciousness as the ability to suppress desires dictated by the emotional circuitry of the brain. The so-called "free will" has humorously been refered to as "free won't." By systematically avoiding certain desires, behaviors, and thoughts, we are capable not only of shaping the immediate situation, but of patterning ourselves neurologically. By refraining from a particular negative thought, we eliminate it's circuitry in the brain. Similarly, y refraining from a particularly negative addiction, we eliminate the reward circuity it has develop in the brain, and then replace it with a stronger capacity for determining our own actions.

These thoughts are a response to "The Monk and the Philosopher." Conceptual influences from Antonio Damasio's "Looking for Spinoza" and Jeffrey Schwartz's "Mind and the Brain."

Humility, Balance

It is interesting how the virtues we deride can so easily become insidiously engrained within our own being, and how blind we can be to their influence upon us...

Recently, I have observed an obsession with appearance. I justify it through multiple means, such as striving for functionality, or just an arrogant sense of superiority that I am opposed to traditional stereotypes of appearance. I can perceive in my mind, however, the tendency to seek validation through an appearance, through phrases such as "If only I were this much more fit" or some such thing, or to look at my physique and compare it to some ideal of mine, which is not even a defined one.

I believe I can appreciate appearance, that it is an aesthetically desirable element, but any obsession is unhealthy, and particularly this one. Thus, I am aspiring to recognize each moment where I look to validate my existence or eliminate existential distress through manipulating my appearance. Even in writing this, I struggle to avoid providing a particular image of myself that I feel is not what I am actually attempting to communicate. Not that I believe there is anything inherently wrong with attempting to avoid portraying a false image of myself, but it is important to observe, I believe, this phenomenon.

There is background to this neurosis, of course. There is some internal and persistent fear of being undeserving of existence. I have been aware of it for a while, but have not been able to confront it directly. I have instead sought to validate my existence through unrestrained personal growth: learning multiple languages, training multiple hours a day, mathematics, science, philosophy, meditation, music, etc...

Upon injuring myself recently, however, in a multitude of ways (right ball of foot swollen, right arch of foot punctured, left leg soaked in blood and now has a hole in it, right wrist sprained, right index finger sprained, lower back sprained), I have had no choice but to slow my pace...

I have realized the importance of balance. If I strive for greatness, then the more I strive, the more I will need to balance with introspection and rest. I have rediscovered simple pleasures, silence, and just sitting back and watching life as it happens. Not meditation, not reflection, just... observation...

Back in Miami - Part 1

My own anger and unhappiness leads me to lash out. As I wallow, an ant approaches. Without thinking, I kick it, refraining barely at the last moment. Too late. I try to set him on his feet, but one leg is broken. And now he limps.

What have I done?

I have let my quest for... superiority? whatever it is, I have let it become a fuel for a misery that I inflict upon an unwitting sentient ant. How long befores this consumes me further?

It is pervasive today, anger, arrogance, judgment. How do I release it? Or do I catalyze it, use it as fuel for the creative process? It is in creation that I find my liberation, perhaps?

But not solely, either. I also require interaction with others, and homeostatic disuption, a stress-induced growth, on more than the physiological level. I require it emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, philosophically... grammatically.

"Shabbat Shalom"

Before a marble stone staircase I stood, head craning upwards, apprehensive and slightly afraid. At the apex were 3 sets of grand mahogany doors. I circled the periphery of the building, trying side doors, to no avail. I stood before those imposing doors, contemplating the consequences my various options.

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. There was no choice. I walked up the stairs, my legs beginning to feel gelatinous. I tried the first set of doors. Locked. I pulled open the second set of doors, looming over me. As they opened, the pace of my heart began to rise. My anxiety became more visceral.

Immediately upon stepping inside, a kind man said to me, "Shabbat Shalom." I whispered it back. In my dazed confusion, I meandered about. 2 kind souls gestured to me, beckoning this stranger forth. I sat with them, and they made me feel welcome.

I knew I had come to the right place when the rebbe, a woman, began to sing, and the entire congregation followed suit. I was in a room of angels, and they were clapping, singing, humming, swaying.

At first, I mouthed the songs, clapped silently, afraid to establish any presence of my own. But I realized, this was a safe space. I felt my voice stir in my chest, and I sung.

I look forward to next friday.

Honk! Music Festival